So.......our hard driven quest to get Mom to stand has taken a timeout of sorts.  The physical therapist has signed off, saying that there is not enough progress to justify her services to Medicare.  It was hard to hear.  Mom's favorite thing in life is to take a ride.  Doesn't matter where.  Never mattered when.  There was pure joy in seeing her face when I would say, "want to come with me to the store?" If she cannot bear her weight on her legs we cannot pivot her into the car seat.
     We DO get her out of her bed, recliner and room from time to time, especially when the weather cooperates.  Her wheelchair takes her to the addition and a visit with Hartley, our greyhound, and then further out onto the deck and even on to the driveway and street for a short "walk".  It's just not the same.  I miss my errand buddy.  I miss her commentary on flowering shrubs and trees and her delight in seeing the first robin of the season.....I miss her saying how nicely people keep their lawns and gardens.  I hear her voice when I pass a road sign with her maiden name, another with her grandmother's name, and another that she always commented on about sounding British.  I miss her saying,"Home James, and don't spare the horses", when we would take the turn onto our street.
      She lost a lot that day when the stroke hit.  We all did.

DNR..........almost from the moment we came into contact with hospital personnel, rehab nurses and aides and now, home caregivers, the DNR question arose.  "Does your Mom have a living will?"  "What about a DNR?"Silly me.  I thought that a living will would relieve me from answering the question concerning resuscitation.  DNR......Do Not Resuscitate.  So, it's a personal choice, they say.
Really? I think.  Since when? I wonder.
     I suppose I have spent my life finding ways to preserve life, prevent sickness, care for living things.  I do not remember a time in my childhood when I did not have a pet.  Always a dog, most times a cat, and along the way....two canaries, a rabbit, and guinea pigs.  Later in life.....fish and many cats for a time.  Pets are a great comfort at any age.  They also make you painfully aware of the reality of life.....and death.  It was such a heartbreaking realization, a great loss of innocence to lose that first kitty.  And the car decided it's fate, not me.  Years later my kitty family members resided indoors, as they do now, and sometimes the decision IS mine when it comes to life and death.  It is so easy to decide when it comes down to the s word.  The love I have for these furry, sweet creatures allows me to never let them suffer.
     Having said all of that it should be an easy decision regarding Mom and a DNR bracelet.  Her aide says we will be sorry if we don't get one now.  The problem being that should she stop breathing and not be resuscitated immediately there would be a decision down the road to "unplug"that would be even more heart wrenching to make.  So, I wonder why she would stop breathing?  She has survived two childbirths, colon cancer, and now, a massive stroke....all while breathing!  Maybe it is a moot point.  I hope it is.  I pray that when her time comes she simply goes to sleep.  She deserves a peaceful passing.  Maybe that is what a DNR bracelet is all about after all.

We did not know when the stroke happened to Mom.  I let our greyhound out to run around the backyard and then fed him like any other day.  I headed over to Mom's part of the house to feed the cats and clean the litter boxes like any other day.  I opened the door and looked in at Mom in her bed and like some other days I saw that her legs were hanging out of bed.  I detoured into her room, turned on the light and saw that her legs were not only out from under the covers, but straight out.  I ran to them, saying something like......"oh Mom!  You almost fell out of bed!  I swung her legs back onto the mattress and she said something and then something else and my heart skipped a beat or five.  It was garbled speech.  I asked her to raise her arms over her head.  Her right went right up.  Her left lay lifeless.  I didn't need any more proof........I ran to the phone and called 911.
     The first hospital trama room was filled with people.  They kept asking the same question.  When did this happen?  What time do you think it occurred?  Over and over......every person that we came in contact with asked.  It was heartbreaking for us.  We did not know.  We now know that they were trying to decide if they could administer the clot-busting drug that would have greatly improved her recovery, time and quality-wise.
     The second, big city hospital started the whole process over again.  Cat scan.....other tests, I honestly don't remember how many or which ones.  The neurologists, and there were a few, all felt the need to paint the bleakest picture for the future.....you know.....if she survived the next few hours and then days, since the chance of a second stroke was high in the days ahead, because it was massive, blah, blah, blah........If that wasn't enough, they wanted to know about resusitation a living will.  What was her religion?

Be grateful.  Imagine waking up and not knowing where you are or how you got there. Nothing looks even remotely familiar.  Imagine hearing your name and not knowing who it is that is talking to you.  As you drive to work or school or on errands imagine not recognizing or remembering the nice lady at the coffee shop, the area you are passing through, the house, the yard.  Imagine not recognizing your own room.  And then suddenly you do remember something..........the worst headache you ever had.......and then nothing else.  Be grateful.

For weeks before her massive stroke, Mom was not quite herself.  Never one to complain, she was losing interest in eating.  We were scratching our heads and tempting her with all kinds of food....her favorite things....each day at every meal.  For the first time in my life she was just pushing the food around on the plate, or dumping it out completely and washing her dish so we wouldn't know.  In fact, on Thanksgiving she actually spent a lot of time cutting up a green bean from the traditional casserole. You get the idea.  She was falling asleep at the table while waiting for dessert to be served. We got her back to her room and sitting comfortably in her recliner.  After cleaning up and while my husband took his mom home, I scooped up Mom and took her for a ride...her favorite thing on earth.  So glad now that we had that ride together.

On the day after Thanksgiving 2015 my Mom had a stroke.  That was the start of a journey that continues to this day.  Mom is 88 years old, a survivor of colon cancer, the 50's and 60's and electric shock therapy for post partum depression.  She was feeling more and more tired each day for a few weeks before and her once voracious appetite had dwindled substantially.  Two weeks before when at the doctor's office we were told that......well, she is 88.....her blood tests were fine 6 months ago.......Etc., etc.   She was in AFIB.  Arterial Fibrillation......the heart receives too many signals to beat, leading to irregular heartbeat and blood collection which forms a clot and Presto!  A clot shoots out and, in this case, races to the right side of the brain causing a "massive" stroke.  The doc did not detect it.  We don't go there anymore.